


A (Very Robert Sugden) Christmas Carol

by thesnowyswan



Series: Christmas 2017 [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Biphobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, POV Robert Sugden, Past Child Abuse, Underage Drinking, a christmas carol!au, almost a robert character study tbh, and aaron is just the best, and how much he hurts and how much he wants to be better for everyone, internalised biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-14 01:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12996987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesnowyswan/pseuds/thesnowyswan
Summary: An accident on Christmas Eve sends Robert on a well overdue journey to get right with himself.Written for the Robron Christmas Calendar 2017.





	A (Very Robert Sugden) Christmas Carol

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for biphobia, internalised biphobia, violence towards a minor and underaged drinking.
> 
> Author acknowledgements: ‘cause I have to thank Haley and Mal for the literal babysitting they had to do for this to even get finished. Thank you for always supporting me.

 

**|i|**

It’s an almighty bang and crunch sound as metal hits metal. Robert almost goes to brace his hands on the dashboard, but he isn’t sure of it being the last impact as the car is shunted off the road, hitting brush and stopping just shy of a ditch. He turns his head; Rebecca is slumped forward behind him, Seb is quiet in his car seat, and Lachlan is unconscious at the wheel. Robert can’t move, his body is in treacle, he blinks and there’s red in his eye. He tries to blink it away when he feels a lancing pain in his side. The hurt catches in his throat as he tries to press against his ribs in the hopes that it might have a positive effect. It doesn’t ease his pain, but it does reduce the sharpness. He can’t rotate though, he can’t do anything, yet he manages to dig his phone out of his jeans and call 999.

“Please, please help us. There’s been an accident. I’m bleeding and no one will wake up. My son, he’s in the back of the car, I can’t get to him.” He tries not to panic when he hears his own voice slur. He rattles off as much detail as he can, and he’s promised that an ambulance be here as soon as possible. To look for the lights. As soon as he can, he cuts them off, they aren’t who he wants to speak to. He opens his contacts and he’s the first one there. Aaron.

He doesn’t know why he’s calling him. He does know why, but he shouldn’t. He’s scared and all he wants is Aaron’s reassurance. It’s not that bad. Dust yourself off and it’ll be good. There is a moment of pure fear that he won’t pick up. That things are too broken between them.

Aaron’s voice is sleepy when the call finally connects, “Rob? What’s going on?”

He’s colder now. He tries not to panic, “I love you. You know that, right?”

It tumbles out before Robert has a chance to stop it.

“Robert.” Aaron’s voice sharpens, he’s awake now, Robert can tell. He can hear that eagle eye focus Aaron has in his voice, always ready, always prepared, in the way it sharpens over the vowels of his name.

There are things he has to say because there is a chance he might not get another.

“I love you. I know we’re friends, sort of, but I love you. You’re the love of my life.”

“Are you drunk?” It isn’t accusatory, just questioning.

Robert shakes his head like Aaron can see him, “No. No. I just. I need you to know.”

There’s rustling, and Robert can almost see Aaron grabbing his trousers and pulling them on, trying to balance his phone between his ear and shoulder.

“Robert, tell me where you are, I’ll come get ya.”

“There was an accident. It’s s’okay. The ambulance is coming. Aaron, I love you.” Robert’s grip on his phone weakens and he lets it fall to his leg.

He can still hear Aaron calling for him on the other end, the string of curses when Robert doesn’t answer him back. It’s okay. He said it. Aaron knows. It’s okay. He just wishes he wasn’t so tired. He wants to talk to Aaron more. To make sure he really knows. _God…_

 

 

**|ii|**

 

 

He opens his eyes and it’s white. Stark blinding white that makes him scrunch his eyes closed again for a moment before making another attempt. He opens them and blinks, the painful glare turning softer, a hazier film over what he can recognise as an empty Woolpack. He turns both ways and there isn’t a soul in the place bar him.

“Hello?” Robert feels slightly ridiculous calling out in the middle of what he intellectually knows must be his own mind, but none of the doors will open when he tries them. “Anybody?”

“Hiya, Robert.”

Katie appears in front of him in the blink of an eye. Long blonde hair and sharp eyes, just like he remembers her. He startles back and puts his hand out in case she comes closer.

“Oh, you can cut that out.” She sits up on a stool by the bar and fiddles with a coaster.

He has to ask, “Am I dead?”

“No, but I am.” Katie flings back at him as she looks at him over her shoulder.

He can’t help but give her a look, and she shrugs, “What did you expect?”

“Well, how do I get out of this?” He throws his hands up to everything.

“That’s your problem, Robert. Always trying to get out of things. Maybe it’s time to own up to a few.”

“Gee, thanks, I’ll think on that when I wake up.”

“I said you weren’t dead. Not that you’d wake up.”

Everything slows, and there is a hum in Robert’s ears that he thinks might be blood rushing around as he panics. He has to wake up. He’s a father now. His son needs him. He has so many things he has yet to do.

“What?” He says, like it’s an afterthought.

“I guess it depends on how you look at things, but you’ve got some work to do, Robert Sugden, or you and I are going to be spending a lot more time together.”

Katie stands up and walks over to him, Robert leans away like he’s expecting her to slap him. She doesn’t. She offers him her hand, palm facing up, “Let’s go, we don’t have tons of time.”

 _This is a dream, this is a dream, this is definitely a dream_.

“Robert, come on.”

“Is this the part where you ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ me?” He laughs nervously.

Her face turns sad, “No.”

He didn’t expect her to reply. So, it’s not that, but it’s something else. Something that makes even her sad for him. He irrationally, or maybe rationally, doesn’t want to do it.

“If I say no, what happens?”

“Like I said, we spend a lot of time together. Here. Eventually there.” She gestures towards the backroom, which he supposes isn’t the backroom at all.

“I’ll die?”

“You don’t remember it, but you hit your head and your brain is swelling. You don’t have much time until it traps you here. Slowly, incrementally, it will stop working and you’ll die.” She rattles it off like it’s nothing, but Robert hears everything like a crushing blow of a hammer.

It sounds childish to even his ears, but he asks, “But if I do this, I’ll be fixed?”

“You do this, and you might be able to live with yourself when it’s said and done.”

There’s no choice here, only the acknowledgement that this is the end of the line for him. This is just his last hurrah. Robert wants to say that he’s surprised, but he’s not. Part of him wants to rail against it, crash things into the ground over it, but he feels tired in a way he can’t shake. He just wants to lie down and sleep, and that’s how he knows that Katie is right, his brain is shutting down.

“I don’t see why it had to be you,” he tells her with mild disapproval. It’s not exactly like they were on the best terms.

“It was always going to be me, Robert.” She replies as if it makes total sense.

Maybe it does. He killed her and here she is taking him to his doom.

Something must show on his face because she huffs at him, “Oh, pack it in.”

Well, he supposes it’s better than fire and brimstone. Katie waggles her fingers in front of him to remind him he has to take her hand and he pulls his hand back just a second before they’re about to touch.

“What’s to say you’re here to help?” He asks her, his back tingling.

“What other options do you have?”

True.

Still, Robert can’t help the quickening of his pulse as he takes her hand and the whiteness seems to brighten to the point of blinding him and he’s opening his eyes to his home. When he was teenager.

“Past, present, future.” He murmurs.

“Got it in one.” Katie almost sounds impressed.

“Why show me a future when I don’t have one?” Robert questions as Katie walks further through the house towards the stairs.

“We all have to have hope.” She deadpans as she says it and Robert really hopes he isn’t going to have to put up with that this whole experience.

Katie motions with her hand for him to hurry up and he sighs as he follows her, taking in all the pictures, knick-knacks that are strewn about the place. _Mum_. Not her physically, but a time when she was still felt in their house.

“Where—when are we?”

“I think you know.” Katie points up to where Robert’s room is.

There’s a sick feeling in his stomach. He wants to stay here where it’s warm and he doesn’t have to relive one of the worst days of his life.

“Please don’t.” He suddenly feels very small as all of those feelings rise up inside him.

Katie looks genuinely upset for him, “I’m sorry, Robert. You have to.”

The memory starts to wash over him before he even reaches the door:

 

_His name is James, he’s been helping out for the last few weeks and he caught Robert’s eye immediately. At first, he thinks it’s hero worship, the way James – he prefers Jamie – just does what he’s told and gets it done. Robert can respect that._

_Only it shifts. Robert catches himself watching him from the window. The way the sun catches on his brown hair, the depth of his green eyes. The heat of summer has divested him of his shirt, and Robert can’t help but watch the clean lines of his muscular body, so different from his own leaner one. He’s confused to say the least. He likes girls. He likes long hair and tiny waists. Breasts. He also finds that he can’t help but catch the outline of_ not breasts _in Jamie’s shorts and feel a stirring in his own. He doesn’t feel like it’s one or the other, just…both. He doesn’t even know if there is a word for that. Maybe he’s wrong, maybe one day he’ll decide. Get married and have the big house like his dad is always saying._

_Thing is, he doesn’t have to decide now, and Jamie seems to like him back. He smiles happily when Robert is asked to help out and stands behind him to show him things like he hasn’t done this type of work since he was a kid. One day, that hand brushes down his back and he can’t help but shiver. The next, they get trapped up against the back of one stall with a rowdy mare and Jamie covers him as if that’s going to protect them from anything bad happening. Robert’s heart pounds as he tries to control his body, the heavy weight of Jamie pressing just right on him._

_“Rob…” He starts._

_There’s only a few years difference between them, but Robert feels the weight of it. His hands almost brush over his biceps, almost touch the sweaty heat of his skin and Jamie watches him as Robert tries to figure out if this is something he’s going to do. His hands drop, but Jamie cups one of his own under Robert’s chin, his thumb tilting his face up and Robert can’t breathe._

_It’s a soft kiss. Robert can feel the scratch of stubble against his lips even though it’s not visible on Jamie’s face, and how that contrasts with the suppleness of his lips. His own mouth parts on instinct as Jamie’s lips catch on his and he lets him slip his tongue inside, pressing it against Robert’s as he finally grasps onto Jamie’s arms. They stay like that for a while, learning each other, Jamie leading him and him eager to follow. Eventually, they let each other go and Robert is thrumming with want as he licks his lips. Jamie smiles at him, this one quirk of his mouth that only seems to happen around Robert as he walks back, his hand slinking across Robert’s forearm, not quite letting him go._

_“See you later,” Jamie says as he finally turns away, but not before he looks back again, his smile a little dopier. Robert knows he’s grinning and he isn’t ashamed of it. He laughs as Jamie stumbles, he’s trying to keep walking while he looks back but fails._

_It’s the first kiss, but it’s not the last._

_Robert catches him behind the house, in the barn again, and in the kitchen when he is sure no one is about and lays one on him. Jamie is always more than happy to oblige, cradling Robert’s face and neck before he slowly starts to travel further south to his shoulders, his back, and his waist. It’s getting harder to deny how deep the want goes now, how easily he rises and how Jamie bumps him back in return._

_“Come up,” he asks Jamie one day. “Come upstairs with me.”_

_Jamie looks at him, searching his face, and Robert flushes hotly with embarrassment until Jamie grabs his hand and laces their fingers together._

_“If you’re sure.”_

_Robert nods and pulls on their joined hands, leading him up to his room. He shuts the door and Jamie stands in the middle of the room waiting for him as Robert turns to throw himself at him. Robert pours everything into those kisses because it feels right. Being with him feels as good as anything else he’s ever felt in his life. Maybe better because this is who Robert is supposed to be.  
_

_Jamie slows him, his breathing ragged as he inhales through his nose, “Wow.”_

_He lets himself be led by Robert to the bed, sat down on the edge of it and Robert climbs on so that his knees are either side of Jamie’s hips and he’s sitting on his thighs. Rough calloused palms slip up under his t-shirt and stroke his back. Robert leans down and steals another kiss._

_Jamie crosses his hands over the knobs of Robert’s spine and lets him slowly, unconsciously, rock as they kiss. There’s a moment when Jamie pulls away and rubs his thumb against Robert’s bottom lip that just makes everything in the world slow up._

_Then it comes crashing down._

_“Robert?” His dad calls as he opens the door._

_Robert barely gets up, but guilt is seeping out of his pores, his dad’s face suddenly like thunder. Jamie stands up and naturally takes a step forward, in front where Robert is standing._

_“Get out. You’re done” is all he says to Jamie as he looks back at Robert, “Now.”_

_Robert pushes at him and he goes unwillingly, his back rigid as he passes Jack._

_“Dad!”_

_He doesn’t think he’s ever seen the cold fury he sees in his dad’s face as he stares Robert down._

_“What do you think you were doing?”_

_“Doing? I just…I like him.” Robert suddenly feels very ashamed to say it out loud._

_Jack throws him a look of disgust and leaves him where he stands._

 

Robert, now, feels the same white-hot humiliation as he did then. Except now he knows what’s coming.

“Katie, stop it. I don’t need to see this, I lived it.” He begs.

She looks at him thoughtfully, “Yeah, but did you learn from it?”

He’s pulled back at the last second to later the same night when Jack called Robert down to talk about his ‘skiving’.

_“There are things in this life that are acceptable and that aren’t. Skiving off your duties isn’t one of them.” Jack tells him as he folds over the leather of his belt._

_Robert wants to run, to plead for understanding but he knows he won’t get that, not from his dad. Not now._

_It’s not the first strike that hurts the most. It’s the fourth hitting the same place and blood pools underneath his skin in wide banded bruises that will last for nearly two weeks after. The fifth makes him cry and Jack lets him go, his fingers leaving smaller subtler bruises of where he held him to make sure he endured what he was owed._

_Robert catches sight of a photo of his mother as he runs up to his room and he begs her to forgive him if his father can’t. He’s sorry. He won’t do it again._

_There’s only silence ‘cause she’s dead and Robert is all alone._

 

“What’s to learn? My dad didn’t want a queer kid. End of story.” Robert pushes past Katie back down the stairs to that photo of his mum. The one where she’s smiling and he can almost feel her hugging him. He feels safe when he looks at her. He knows she would have accepted him. Would have protected him.

“I didn’t know what he did to you, Rob. No one did. Why didn’t you tell us?” She sits on the settee and suddenly she seems so much smaller, more delicate.

“Why would you have believed me?” He can’t stop the tears that fill up in his eyes, “No one ever believed that I was right. Definitely not Dad. Definitely not when he had Andy to fulfil all his hopes and dreams.”

It’s easy to let the bitterness rise up in his mouth like bile and Katie looks at him in such a way that he just...stops.

“Andy didn’t hurt you, Jack did. Maybe it might have taken us a while, but we would have got there.”

“Got there?” Robert feels incredulous, “My dad leathered me for liking boys and you would have got there?”

He snarls that last part out and Katie doesn’t look the least bit surprised and he knows he’s played right into her hands.

“It’s not shame that is holding you back, it’s anger. It was always there, I think, for one reason or another, but here, here is where your dad made it fester.”

Robert sighs, he’s still mad, but he’s tired. He’s always tired when it comes to this.

“It turned ugly with nowhere to go, aren’t you tired of it, Robert?”

He sits down next to Katie and leans his elbows on his knees, “Yeah, I am.”

“You’re not ashamed of who you are anymore. Stop holding onto the shame of a dead man too.”

“That’s not—”

“You’re protecting him when he doesn’t deserve it. Even I know that. Let it fall where it may” she makes a sweeping gesture, “but stop idolising a man who made mistakes. Big ones.”

Robert feels a vulnerable tremor in his body. He’s got a pain behind his right eye and Katie stands up while he’s blinking it back and she offers him her hand again.

“Come on, time is moving on.”

 

 

~*~

 

 

He’s at Home Farm in the kitchen. It’s the same night he came from, Christmas Eve, if the clock and calendar are anything to go by. The tone of this is completely different to the last. It’s nothing like a memory, more like déjà vu. He feels air brush past him as he watches himself hold his son before putting him in his car seat.

“Why you ever trusted that kid with a steering wheel, I’ll never know.” Katie screws up her face in disgust, folds her arms and looks like she’s about to start on the image of Lachlan as he walks in behind Rebecca.

Robert frowns, it’s like there’s a gap in his brain, a black consuming space that knows the answer but doesn’t.

“Belle.” He doesn’t know why he says that, but he turns to look at the door.

“Robert, focus.”

He looks back at Katie and she looks at him with concern, “Figure it out.”

“What are you talking about?” Robert catches a glimpse of his own hesitant face as Lachlan suggests he drives them to the Woolpack. That way Rebecca can sit in the back with Sebastian and not one of the parents will be distracted. Rebecca looks pleased and Robert knows in his gut that something is wrong.

Katie clasps his hand again and everything fades away, apart from the queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

 

 

**|iii|**

 

He opens his eyes, and this feels like the first.

 

 _He’s at the hospital watching Liv sleep, hoping and praying that she’ll live_. _He knows the ugly things he’s said to her in aid of his cause and he regrets every single one of them. It’s just he can’t stop. Won’t stop. Till it’s all ash on the ground. It’s all there is, now that there’s no_ them _._

_“You’re unbelievable.” Aaron’s face scrunches up in disbelief and disgust._

_“I’ve hardly slept,” which is true. His heart pounding inside his ears at the thought of losing Liv, what it would all mean._

_He keeps his voice a whisper as he asks: “How many people have you told?”_

_“Do one, Robert.” Aaron looks ready for a fight when he says it._

_He pushes, he won’t be done out of seeing Liv safe. “No, sorry, I’m not leaving until I know she’s alright.”_

_“How selfish are you? I don’t want you anywhere near her. And thanks, by the way, we’ve now got Social Services on the case an’all.”_

_“What? What do they want?”_

_“Funnily enough, when a kid ends up in hospital with an overdose, they wanna know why.”_

Robert stumbles as his vision whites out and he blindly reaches out for something, a table, a wall to ground him as the hospital turns from full to empty.

“Not your finest hour, Rob. And that wasn’t even the start or the big finale.” Katie is leaning against the wall next to him and he feels a little sick, so he just sits on the floor and ignores her until she nudges his thigh with her foot. “Come on, no big revelation?”

“What do you want me to say?” Robert feels nausea roiling around in his belly and he can’t get it to settle. “I messed up, big time.”

“Yeah, you did. Somehow it always ends up being about you, doesn’t it?” Her tone of voice tells him everything he needs to know about her opinion.

He looks up and half-heartedly glares at Katie, but she’s having none of it.

“She’s supposed to be the equivalent of your kid sister. Vic, Robert. And you still couldn’t own up to what you did.”

“Liv didn’t—” _say anything, give him up_.

“Liv didn’t. _Aaron_ _didn’t.”_ She scoffs at him with disgust as she follows his thought process. “That man is your saving grace and you keep putting him through hell.

No, he can’t do it. He leans over and vomits onto the floor.

He wipes his lips, but his mouth tastes sour, “I never meant to hurt him. Either of them.”

Katie bends down and Robert is sure he’s about to get it in the neck, but she just brushes back his hair like she might have when they were younger.

“You never do, but promises don’t get you anywhere, Robert. You can’t keep them."

He’s in pain, his head hurts, his stomach is void, and he thinks things are starting to spin.

She keeps digging though, “Always the victim. Never your fault.”

“Of course it’s my fault. I accept that.” He might have pushes that truth away in the past, but not now. Now he knows that his actions have weight. He isn’t trying to deny that.

Katie doesn’t quite agree.

“You mean _that_? Where you tried to shift blame off yourself rather than protecting that 15 year old girl from losing her brother and her home?”

It’s been months since then and he knows he’s been trying to be better, “I’m not that person anymore.”

“Aren’t you? You victimise yourself because that’s where you feel safe. How can you do any real wrong if you’re the one wronged?”

“Stop it.”

“Look what happened to me.”

“That was an accident.” He says bluntly, he doesn’t want to go there, but he feels like they’re about to.

“Yeah, it was, but all that stuff after it? The ugliness? Aaron. God, Robert, what happened to you?” Katie sounds so sad for him and Robert can’t bear it. He pushes himself up to stand. She doesn’t move but she does continue, “You weren’t perfect, not by a long shot, but you weren’t this.”

“What was I supposed to do?! Nothing was ever mine!” He shouts back at her. “My home, my family, my sexuality. It was never me anyone wanted.”

“Aaron did.”

Robert feels the tears slipping down his face, “Until he didn’t.”

It was a stupid throwaway comment said in the heat of the moment that tore into Robert’s soul because Aaron was his soul. He walked around bleeding for him, his heart a hollow hole in his chest and it was for nothing. He was nothing.

“I didn’t have his love, but I had this. My plans, my _schemes,_ ” he bumps his chest with a closed fist, “I’m not proud of any of it. And I would take it back, but what’s the point? There’s nothing left.”

 _Of himself, or his life_. He’s clinging onto his son for the hope of something better, but it’s still cold and lonely at night.

“Would you? Take it back?” Katie asks him as she stands.

“Yes.” And it’s sincere. “I don’t—I don’t want to be that person anymore. I’m trying. I want to be better.”

It feels like a nerve has been exposed to admit it, but it’s not raw. The air isn’t salt sent to burn it, he feels cleansed and clean from it. Before he was dying under the weight of his self-imposed pain.

“Why?”

Robert starts walking down the hall to see if there’s a way out. “Like you said. I’m tired. I’m tired of being a screw up. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and that being all anyone sees, all anyone ever assumes. Look, Robert messed up _again_. I want to be proud of myself. For real.”

He’s pushing at doors, but nothing opens, he slaps his palm against it and leans his forehead down just after.

“Don’t you just wish you could do it over?” Robert asks, quietly, “There is so much I’d do differently.”

Katie leans off the wall and starts walking down to him, “Aaron?”

He nods, “You.”

It gets a small smile out of her, “You weren’t the only one playing that game. We made each other worse.”

 _Because we used to make each other better_.

“I just wish that I had the guts to tell him I loved him when I did. When he told me.”

Robert remembers throwing back at him, “…this isn’t a love story.” It wasn’t. It was an Epic with pain and bloodshed and _love_ , so much love.

“He was what I wanted. All I wanted.” He sniffs and stands back up, “And to be that version of me that he kept seeing. Kept pushing for.”

“But the harder you tried, the worse you failed.”

“In the end, I just wanted to blow it up. It was all I knew, to be that person, the one who destroys. I wanted for him to be wrong about me, I wanted him to see I wasn’t worth it. I wanted to be right to hate myself.” 

Katie was right. He did victimise himself, not to be pitied or even to be justified in his actions, but to avoid that one simple truth. Standing up and owning it means having to deal with it and he wasn’t ready.

“I want to stop hating myself.” He looks back at Katie and he feels a sense of peace settle inside him.

She smiles at him and offers him her hand. He takes it easily because he isn’t afraid anymore.

 

 

~*~

 

 

He’s back at Home Farm again and he’s watching himself hold his son before he puts him in his car seat.

“What the—”

Robert looks around himself, things sort of start to shimmer as he tries to focus.

“Figure it out, Robert.”

He looks at Katie, who is standing with her arms folded.

“I can’t, I don’t—”

Suddenly, he’s upstairs in the attic and he’s standing among a bunch of blankets and a drilled hole in the floor.

He feels like a broken record: “What the…”

Nothing about this seems right.

Then Katie is crouching down in the corner and Robert follows her over to see what she’s looking at.

It’s a stash of alcohol, all kinds.

“Guess someone took a leaf out of your book.”

Cold dread hits Robert’s stomach. He looks at the bottles, there’s vodka, brandy, whiskey, nothing looks out of the ordinary other than they’re opened.

“What’s going on?” He asks to no one in particular when he tries to think, his head pushes pain back at him. “Ugh, what can’t I figure this out?!”

Belle.

Gerry.

 _Liv_.

It’s Christmas, they’re getting together as the youngest adults of the Dingle clan, he remembers Aaron mentioning it when Robert passed him in the shop earlier.

Lachlan was joining them after he drove them to the Woolie.

“He did something to them.” He realises in horror. The bottles have a bit of dust on them, but there are two circles where two have been removed.

“Katie, you have to help me.

She shakes her head, “You’re not done.”

“Done? They’re in danger!” He can hear the begging in his voice and he hopes it can reach her.

“I’m sorry, Robert, you can’t help them.”

She takes his hand and he tries to pull away from her, “ _No_. They need help.”

“What are you doing to do, Rob? You’re here. You’re dying.” Katie touches his forehead softly, a wiping motion, and she shows him her fingers. They’re red.

He shakes his head, it can’t be it. He can’t die knowing that Belle and Liv, even Gerry, needed his help and he didn’t, couldn’t, do anything about it.

“At least get a message to them, Katie, please.”

The white burns hot this time and Robert hisses as it presses in on him. He falls to the ground and he barely keeps whatever bile he has in his stomach in there. He’s definitely going to die soon.

 

 

**|iv|**

 

 

 

When he opens his eyes and he’s in the Mill. Everything is decked out and bright for Christmas.

His future.

Or what could have been.

Robert stands up and he can’t believe his eyes. Aaron is sitting there staring at him like he sees him.

“Ya alright, Rob? Can’t of had that much eggnog yet.” He gestures for Robert to come over and help him with his pile of wrapping paper and what look like gifts for Liv.

“Aaron?” He asks hesitantly.

Aaron nods at him, pulls a face like he thinks Robert is on one, “Yeah?”

He makes a grab for the cellotape and starts fiddling, looking for the end, “Seriously, Rob, I need your help or I’m not gonna get this all done.”

Robert almost trips on the edge of the settee when he tries to get around it to sit on the floor with Aaron. Aaron hands him a sheet of fancy paper and a box of crystal wine glasses.

“Figured Mum deserved a step up this year.” Aaron comments as he goes back to his original task. “Still got her an ugly jumper though. Just because Paddy doesn’t buy her one doesn’t mean she can get out of it.”

Robert stares at the things in his hands and he wants to cry.

“Robert.” Aaron is trying to catch his eye, his brows drawn in and concerned. Robert looks up at him and nods, not trusting his voice. Aaron leans forward and kisses him softly on the lips. It’s too short, over too soon and Robert chases after him and drops the wrapping paper to cup his neck and give him a kiss in return.

“Definitely none of that until these are done. Why did we wait so long anyway? Last year you were done and dusted by the 10th.”

Aaron gets the tail end of the cellotape free with a face of victory and bites a bit off before taping the end to the coffee table. He carries on with his task and Robert joins him in the companionable silence, not really sure of what else to do. He notices his cup of eggnog on the table and takes a sip before he sticks the last bit of tape down on Chas’s gift.

“Can’t imagine she wants a gift from me.” Robert mutters. Aaron looks at him sharply, “Why? Me mum loves you.”

Robert laughs as Aaron pulls up his sleeves and he notices that none of his scars are there. He grabs at Aaron’s forearm and Aaron looks at him funny but doesn’t try to pull away.

“Aaron, what’s going on?”

“Whadda mean?” He slides his sleeve back down.

“I don’t understand. Your mum hates me, ever since…Ever since Seb.”

Aaron’s confusion only seems to deepen, “Who’s Seb? Robert, do you need to tell me summat?”

_No scars. No Sebastian._

He looks at his own ring finger and it’s bare. _No marriage then?_ He would never have chosen to take it off.

Aaron is looking at him expectantly and his face is starting to drop like Seb means something that it doesn’t mean.

“No. _No_. I thought—I don’t know what I thought, I got confused. Slept funny last night.” Robert covers.

It seems to appease him because he nods, “Yeah, you tossed all night, drove me mad. Almost kicked ya out.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Nah, ‘cause I love ya or summat.” Aaron’s smile is bright and happy and _free_.

 _No scars, no son, no marriage_ runs around in Robert’s head like a scratched record.

“Where’s Liv?” Robert asks casually while Aaron picks up what looks like a glass of whisky and takes a sip.

“Mmm,” the liquor obviously bites him, so Aaron wrinkles his nose before he replies, “Some of her uni mates came down, but she’ll be back before midnight. Christmas Day is for family.”

Uni mates. She’s older. Three years into ‘the future’. Robert’s mind is swirling and Katie isn’t with him to ask.

They tidy up to Aaron’s Christmas playlist, a well-guarded secret in even his version of events, and Aaron flops on the sofa when he’s done, staring at the twinkling of their tree.

“We did a good one this year.” He comments as he swings his legs over Robert’s. Robert brushes his hands up and down Aaron’s shins and smiles, “Yeah, I suppose we did.”

Aaron’s looking at him with that soft look he gets when he can’t contain all the love he feels and it just starts to pour out of him. It’s Robert’s favourite look on him.

“Hey,” Aaron says to him quietly, Robert looks over at him and waits, “I was gonna do this later, but…”

Aaron gets up and disappears upstairs and Robert is left confused and waiting for him. “Aaron?”

He reappears, and Robert can’t see anything on him, yet he pulls Robert up to stand until they’re right by the mistletoe next to the tree. Robert laughs as he catches his drift, “Really?”

Aaron shrugs as if to say, ‘if it works, it works.’

Robert leans down and slides his lips over Aaron’s, who pushes gently back against him and they part with a soft smacking sound. It’s the kind of kiss you do every day for the rest of your life. He looks hesitant and Robert is about to ask him what’s wrong before he bends down on one knee.

“ _Aaron_ —”

“I know we waited a long time to get here, but you were right. We needed it. We needed to be okay by ourselves before we could be us.” He catches Robert’s hand and rubs his thumb over Robert’s knuckles, “Thing is, I’m not me without you. Not anymore. And I don’t want to be. I want us to be together…till we’re 80.”

He can feel the tears welling up inside him and he can’t stop them, and Aaron doesn’t stop either.

“Robert, I love you, and I want to marry you. I want you to be my husband and I want people to know it. So, will you do it? Be me husband?”

He can’t help but laugh a little at how Aaron it is at the end, but he’s never going to answer any different. “Of course, I will.”

Aaron digs into his pocket and offers him his ring. Just the same as he had chosen for them. It catches on his knuckle in the exact same way, and Robert barely lets Aaron get it on before he’s pulling him up for a kiss. He lets out a little grunt with the force in which Robert grabs him with, but he opens up just the same, letting Robert sweep inside his mouth and curl against his tongue. Robert only lets him go when they both have to breathe, Aaron tilting his head, “Upstairs?”

Robert nods, but catches Aaron’s arm as he turns away. He looks back at Robert and Robert digs his hand inside Aaron’s trousers until he finds the matching pair to his own. He holds up the ring between them and Aaron offers him his hand, only Robert looks at him, “You know, don’t you?”

Aaron nods solemnly, his voice quiet. “I know.”

“So, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The platinum slips on like butter and Robert rubs his finger over it. Aaron tugs on his hand and continues to lead him upstairs.

 

 

~*~

 

Robert wakes up and he presses the heels of his hands to his eyes to try and combat the pain, only it doesn’t work. He looks over at Aaron, still sleeping on his side and he kisses his naked shoulder before he swings his legs over to get out of bed. He pulls on his jeans and one of Aaron’s t-shirts before he makes his way downstairs.

Katie is playing with the baubles when he gets there.

“What’s going on?” He asks her as he barely makes it to the settee, his head is pounding so hard.

“It’s not so much your future as wish fulfilment. A last hurrah…”

 _Before he dies_.

“This version of Aaron was never hurt by you, by his father. Nothing bad ever touched him.”

“But he still wanted to marry me? Or did I just make that up?”

Katie shakes her head no, “Aaron was always going to want to marry you. You’re his soulmate. Pain or no pain.”

“And that’s it? I just live out my days here until it’s over?”

She gets up and Robert automatically stands with her. He sways unsteadily, but manages to right himself.

“You know they let us see what happens, up there. I watched you fall in love with him a bit more every day after I died. It reminded me of the Rob I knew. Once upon a time. You deserve this bit of happiness, even if it’s the last bit."

What she says about how he was hits him hard. How kind she’s being after all he’s done. The saddest part is that he doesn’t even remember that version of himself, the one who loved Katie, the one would have lived or died to be with her. They both lost that softness in the years that passed, their anger and pain drowning whatever good had been between them. But he knows now that he can change it, even if it’s only for a moment. He can be better for her.

“I’m sorry.” For forgetting that, for hurting her, for all the offenses that now seem so magnificent.

Katie looks at him for a moment, like she’s trying to tell if it’s genuine, and she smiles softly, “Me too.”

Uncharacteristically, she wraps her arms around his waist and puts her head on his chest. “I guess this is where you make your choice.”

“What do you mean?” Robert cups the back of her head as he feels everything start to feel hazy.

“You can have that life you want, or you can have what’s real.”

Belle.

Gerry.

Liv.

No one there to help them, everyone who would be crushed if anything happened to them. The Dingles. _Aaron_.

“Are you telling me I have a shot?” His heart starts pounding in his chest. She nods yes. Only Aaron calls out for him from upstairs. Robert’s heart sinks.

“If I go, he won’t be mine?” They both know he’s already made up his mind, but neither one of them can deny the pain that Robert feels. Aaron has always been everything to him and to let him go a second time rips at his heart anew. He can hear Aaron’s footsteps in their room and he closes his eyes and wills himself not to hear them.

Katie rubs his arms and tries to console him, “It’s not really Aaron anyway. Not how you know him. You took away his pain, his grief, you made him happy, but that isn’t the man you fell in love with. You’re not the man he fell in love with.”

That version was obviously better. They had made it years together, this version of them, only now deciding to get married because they love each other rather than to paste over widening cracks and all-consuming fears. He wants that for Aaron. For him to truly be this happy.

“You can have this, Robert. Maybe not exactly like this, but you can if you just _stop_.”

 _Being angry, being hurt, being hateful_. It’s a big ask when it’s all he’s ever known.

Except it isn’t. He’s known _love, acceptance and family_ because of Aaron. He is capable of those things, of being happy. He just has to let the other stuff go first.

 

 

 

**|v|**

 

 

 

He doesn’t fade out in white, he’s jolted back into life with an electric pain that courses through his body. He pushes as arms try to hold him and something is covering his mouth.

“Mr Sugden, can you hear us? Mr Sugden, it’s alright.” A soothing voice tells him as he tries harder to free himself.

He opens his eyes and there are doctors all around him and a nurse is squeezing his shoulder.

“Welcome back, we thought we’d lost you.” She’s a young woman, he blinks a couple of times because she looks a lot like Katie. “You keep that oxygen mask on for us and we’ll get you sorted, alright?”

Everyone starts to filter out of the room as the nurse tries to settle him, and he nods in answer and looks down. His chest is bare save for a few of those electrode things and a sticky film over his heart and on his side. She starts to move away, but Robert waves his hand at her.

“Mmm?” She takes Robert’s hand and he squeezes. His throat is dry and he can’t make it work.

“You can have a tiny bit of water, but not a lot, you might need surgery, you gave us a big scare. I’m Coleen, by the way.”

Coleen puts a straw to Robert’s lips, under his mask, and fetches him a cup of water. It feels like ice as it goes down, but it’s just what he needs.

He tries to pull the mask off, but Coleen pulls his hand away, “You need that, love.”

“Police.” He manages to tell her, and her face becomes drawn and serious.

“Do you need the police, Mr Sugden?”

“Belle. He spiked the alcohol. _Please_.”

Coleen keeps calm as she asks, “Who spiked the alcohol? Do you have an address?”

Robert winces as he tries to sit up and his head starts banging, “Lachlan. He spiked the alcohol at the Dingles. Dingle Farm. Emmerdale. Please, they’re only kids.”

“Okay, I’ll call someone now, you rest.” Robert catches Coleen’s hand and when she looks at him, he tries to convey his genuine fear for them. He can’t get out of this bed, so he needs her to believe him. She looks at his eyes, and she nods once, and he feels his body sigh in relief. She believes him. She’ll help.

 

~*~

 

Robert dozes because he can’t stop sleep from taking him. He’s moved from resuscitation up onto a ward as soon as a bed is available and he’s lucky enough to get a side room. He’s still not allow food or even external fluids on the off chance that he might need surgery to relieve the pressure on his brain – he has a very fetching shaved side of his head where they were about to drill into him, but he managed to bring himself ‘round – so he’s a little bit more than crabby.

Coleen knocks on his door a bit later with the police and he gives a statement, as best he’s able with what he knows and what he thinks he probably hallucinated.

“Are they okay?” He asks, and one of the officers, a burly man named Nigel, nods.

“They hadn’t really cracked into it, one of the kids, Gerry, is being treated for mild alcohol poisoning, but he’s gonna be fine.”

“And Lachlan?”

Nigel looks less impressed, “His mum won’t let us near him, but we have good strong leads thanks to you and we can start working our case from there.”

“As long as they’re okay.” Robert nods and Nigel shakes his hand as does his partner.

“They are, thanks to you.”

They leave him with it and Coleen pops back in, “You have a visitor, or well, he never actually left.”

He frowns, “What?”

“Dark, scruffy and scowl-y?” She ventures, and Robert smooths his face out, “Aaron?”

“I never caught his name, he just paced a lot and when we rushed you into resus he went into the hall. Needed the air, I think, bless him.”

“Yeah, and he’s still here?”

Coleen nods, “Mmm, I’ll grab him if you like. Make him a cup of tea.”

“Milk, one sugar.” Robert says automatically.

“Your fella then?”

Robert swallows, “My…ex-husband.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It was my fault.” Robert admits, “I’m kind of surprised he’s here.”

“I don’t think he blames you as much as you think he does,” Coleen tells him as she wraps a pressure cuff around his arm.

Robert shrugs, “Aaron has always been too forgiving.”

“Maybe, but that’s up to him, right?” Coleen scribbles down whatever it says and pats his knee before she leaves.

Aaron pops up behind the glass shortly after with a cup of tea as he hesitantly pushes the door open.

“A nurse just handed me this and said you were awake.” He says by way of greeting.

“Coleen. She’s helpful like that,” Robert smiles because Aaron does, “how’s Liv? She okay?”

Aaron nods, clearly overwhelmed, “Ta for that. No one knew until an ambulance was picking Gerry up and the girls were being sat down with two coppers. Mum is with ‘em now.”

There’s an awkward sort of silence until Aaron just blurts out, “What the hell happened, Rob?”

It feels like a loaded question. There was what got him here, and what happened when it did.

“Car crash, I don’t remember much, I was going to the Woolie…Rebecca finally came back and said I could spend some time with Seb, only with her so, I agreed. I wanted to see my son. Lachlan offered us a lift, and she accepted, I didn’t want to, but my hands were tied.”

 _Do what she wanted or never get to see his son_.

Aaron looks uncomfortable and Robert frowns, “What?”

“Robert, I’m sorry.”

“What is it?” His first thought is Sebastian. “Is Seb—”

“He’s not your son.” Aaron lets it hang in the air for a second and Robert doesn’t quite understand it.

“What are you saying?”

Aaron’s hand reaches out to hold his, and they both stare at the sight for a moment before Aaron starts again, “He needed a blood transfusion, before you went under, and they wanted to see if you shared a type, Rebecca’s still in surgery, but they found that there was no way your blood type wouldn’t make an effect on his.”

“The dad has the same blood type as Rebecca. You…don’t.” Robert pulls away from him. “Robert, they were gonna—”

“I need a minute.” It isn’t about Aaron, he just needs to process.

Aaron looks at him sadly and moves to leave, “I’ll be by later, alright, to make sure you’re still kicking.” He tries to laugh at his own joke, but it just falls empty.

Robert tries to smile, but he can’t find it in himself. “I’ll see you later.”

 

~*~

 

He has a soft cry by himself when Aaron leaves because his feelings don’t change. He still loves that little boy like he’s his own and he doesn’t know how to break the bond.

Katie sits in the corner, almost tucked out of his view, he startles when he sees her, “What are you doing here?”

Part of him worries for his brain.

“Nothing bad, I just wanted to say I’m proud of you.”

Robert can’t help but feel hollowed out by it all.

“Lachlan wanted you to know that you weren’t Sebastian’s father in the worst way he could find. He crashed the car to force the issue. He planned to sing his woes from his hospital bed while his beloved ex-girlfriend died of an overdose at Christmas and you lost everything.”

Normally Robert would be planning returning fire, but he just doesn’t care anymore.

Katie still doesn’t leave him alone without a pep talk: “You’re better than this, Robert, this back and forth with that little psycho. You always were. Stop letting other people control your life. Even me.”

Robert catches Katie’s hand as she looks like she’s getting up to leave. It feels almost faint in his grasp. He can’t let her go without saying this one thing: “Andy loves you, Katie. He’ll always love you. If you can, go and see him, yeah? However, _this_ works, do it for the both of you.”

Her eyes mist as she nods, “See, there _you_ are.”

“I’m scared.” He admits.

“I know, but it’s all you, Robert.”

Katie squeezes his hand and in another blink, she’s gone. He knows he won’t see her again and he can’t help but feel sad about it. Maybe they didn’t end on the best of terms, but he never wanted her dead. Not really, and he certainly didn’t want to be the one who killed her. He rubs his chest and embraces the tiny ache that he feels there. She was here. He knows it. He just has to remember what she told him.

 

~*~

 

Robert manages to sleep that night, Coleen finally bringing him a cup of tea when she comes back on shift the next morning.

The first thing she says to him is “I can’t believe you made Aaron sleep out there.”

“What?” Robert asks, feeling somewhat gormless.

“Aaron. He’s been out in the waiting room all night, which you didn’t know. Whoops.” Coleen makes herself suddenly busy with paperwork.

He’s still a bit speechless, “Is he—can he come back in?” He doesn’t know about visiting times or what, but Coleen looks at him with a conspiratorial sort of gaze.

“If you tell me how it goes, sure.” She’s looking at him with both a cursory and an assessing glance.

“Goes? Are you bartering with me over—”

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but you don’t sleep out on those chairs for anything less than love, so I want in on whatever is said. A hospital runs on its gossip and you two are gold, I’d bet money on it.”

He wants to say that he’s scandalised, but he can appreciate her candour.

“Fine, but I want biscuits, good ones.”

“What ones does Aaron like?”

He starts to say Bourbon Creams and shuts up when Coleen gives him a look.

Robert folds his arms and refuses to feel ashamed. Coleen laughs and leaves him be. Aaron comes in in yesterday’s clothes and his beard is a little more unkempt.

“You didn’t have to stay.”

He looks like he’s about to protest, but Robert stops him.

“Coleen gave you up.”

There’s the tiniest and most fetching blush on Aaron’s cheeks when he rubs the back of his neck while saying, “She do that a lot?”

“I think so.”

“How are ya?”

“Sore.” He admits. His head feels like it’s been dumped in a quarry and tiny hatchets are stabbing him frequently and his whole body is one big bruise, but he’ll survive it.

“What are you going to do about Seb?”

It’s a loaded question, and definitely not one Aaron should have to ask, “Aaron. You don’t have to ask me about that, that was never fair to you.”

All the times he went to Aaron with his problems because he had nowhere else to go, bringing him more pain, it weighs on him as he searches Aaron’s face.

He’s smiling gently, “Yeah, I know, but I asked.”

So, Robert sighs, “I’m gonna ask to be a part of his life.”

Aaron looks surprised by that and Robert knows it’s probably not the obvious choice.

“I’m the only dad he’s ever known, and part of me, a big part, still feels like his dad even if I’m not. I chose him.”

He fiddles with the handle of his teacup to cover how self-conscious he is about it.

“And maybe Rebecca won’t want me to be a part of that, but I have to try, right? For my son.”

“This isn’t some way of getting back at Lachlan?”

It’s not a dig, Aaron is genuine in his question and Robert thinks that’s fair enough. In the past, it would have been, but he shakes his head, “We’re never going to see eye to eye so, I’m just not gonna look.”

Aaron looks taken aback, “That’s—”

“You were right, I needed something to make me grow up. You thought it would have been my son, or who I thought was my son, but it was just filling a void. I didn’t do any of that stuff for me, I did it for you.”

Robert looks down, not wanting to see Aaron’s face.

“Not because I thought it would get us back together, but because I knew you were right. You’re always right because you’re a better man than I am.”

“Robert.”

“It’s fine, Aaron.” Robert looks up and catches Aaron’s eye, “You _are_ the better man. But one day, I’m gonna be too.”

There’s a quiet moment where Aaron just accepts that because he’s always had the upmost faith in Robert, and for once, God willing, Robert is going to live up to that.

 

~*~

 

Robert ends up spending a week in hospital under observation because of the swelling, but his brain doesn’t make any other attempts to exceed the size of his skull and he’s allowed to go home. Vic fusses over him incessantly, finally at peace with something to do while she rails about Rebecca relying on ‘a gut feeling and some stupid maths’ to stick Robert with fatherhood. Robert isn’t mad, he doesn’t think he ever was. He just knows that there is a little baby trapped in all this and that’s who he’s concerned about. Vic double takes when he says that, and he shrugs.

“I’m done fighting, Vic. I just want to be happy” is all he says on the matter. She mostly respects his choice until those few times she can’t then she rants for ten minutes before going back to being supportive. Robert can understand that, he isn’t completely void of emotion, he just doesn’t want it to make him bitter. Not again.

 

 

 

**|vi|**

 

 

 

It doesn’t matter in the end, Rebecca doesn’t want Robert to be in Sebastian life. Ross, the actual father, doesn’t get a choice either when she leaves announcing that he is _her son_ and everyone else should mind their own business. Her family isn’t far behind her after what Lachlan did to the Dingles comes out. Dingles protect their own, and there are a lot more of them than there are Whites.

Nonetheless, Robert has a couple of extra drinks in the pub those first few nights. Sometimes Aaron sits with him, sometimes he sits alone, but he just lets the feelings wash over him rather than trying to shove them away. It hurts in a way that never really goes away, just lives in his heart right next to Katie, but below where losing Aaron sits pride of place. That pain never recedes or dims. It just varies day to day how much Robert can take and works itself accordingly. Seeing him with that doctor definitely pushes it up a couple of levels, but he’s fine. He can do it. For Aaron. But also for himself. He can sit in his jealousy and not implode over it.

Eventually, it all falls apart for Aaron and Alex. He isn’t privy to the ins and outs but Chas glares at him when he comes by for a drink and offers Aaron a shout.

“Your mum is on one.” He says as he sits down, Aaron sighing as he sips the fresh pint Robert brought him.

“When is she not?”

“She not happy with the turn of events then?” Robert hedges. He really doesn’t know what his place is here as Aaron’s ex-husband slash pseudo friend who is still in love with him.

Aaron sighs, “Mum liked Alex.”

“And you didn’t?”

Aaron gives him a funny look as if to say why is he asking, but obviously thinks better of it before he says, “He was alright.”

“That’s pretty high Dingle praise.” He jokes, and Aaron starts flipping a spare coaster.

“It wasn’t what I wanted.” Aaron mumbles as he looks intently at his coaster, yet Robert feels hope spark in his heart.

“Yeah?”

Aaron looks at him then flits his gaze either side of him before he says, “He didn’t like cars.”

Robert can literally feel his heart swell, “Well, that is definitely not on.”

Aaron smiles and shoves his knee into Robert’s leg until they both share a laugh and they end up talking about Porsche versus Aston Martin because it always riles them both up and one of them _always_ plays the James Bond card. Usually Aaron, just to watch Robert meltdown between his love of his own car and his love of classic Bond.

Before they know it, the evening has passed, and Robert claps Aaron on the shoulder as he leaves.

“See ya, Aaron.” It’s soft. Too soft, too much like how they used to be, and Robert panics a little that Aaron will pull away, but instead he’s smiling again.

“Bye Robert.” His voice is just as soft.

Robert holds it inside himself as a slow burning hope that maybe one day, they might get back to a better place. He isn’t going to bet on it, but he’s gonna hope.

 

~*~

 

It’s early February and many, _many_ pub conversations later, all ending in the same soft goodbye that gets harder and harder to ignore, when Robert picks up the courage to ask Aaron out.

“I wanna take you on a date.”

Aaron doesn’t look convinced, “If this is about Alex, or Seb not being your son....”

“No, that’s not—” Robert stops, takes a breath and tries again, “I had a choice. At Christmas, in my coma. I could stay in this made up world where we loved each other, where we did it all right, and nothing ever hurt, but it wasn’t you. It wasn’t me. The things we’ve done, _I’ve_ _done_. They’re who I am. I’ve stopped running from that."

Aaron looks uncomfortable, but he shakes his head, “I also saw Katie and my dad, it wasn’t just you. And it made me realised that what I’m hiding from is me, and it has to stop.”

He doesn’t need Aaron to be proud of his decisions because he is, but he tells him everything anyway, “I’m even going to see someone. A bit of a waiting list, but it’s happening.”

Aaron nods, but his lips twitch like he wants to smile.

“So, Aaron. I would like to, in the future, take you on a date. If you’re interested?”

There’s a moments silence, but it’s more teasing than foreboding.

“When you’re in a better place?”

“Yeah, when I’m in a better place.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

 

**|vii|**

 

 

 

 _Christmas, 2018_ :

 

“Oh, Jesus.” Aaron barely gets out of the way as the tree comes crashing down on the floor and Robert stares at him like, what the hell?

“You’re supposed to be helping.”

Aaron looks at him with faux wide-eyed innocence, “I am.”

“No, you’re not.” Robert shakes his head and tries to right the stupid overgrown plant in the plant pot anyway.

“That thing was going down with or without me, so I chose without.”

“Then what is the point of you?

“Good looks and charm?”

“Yeah, right.”

“Oi!”

Aaron grabs him by the front of his jumper and bumps into him for a kiss. It isn’t perfect, he mostly gets Robert’s chin, but it’s exactly how Robert wants it to be.

“I love you.”

“You’re soft.”

“Mmm.” Robert lands a better one and gets Aaron clinging to his elbows over the fluffy body of their tree, which he trips on trying to get closer to Robert.

Robert tries not to laugh, but it’s funny as hell. Aaron appreciates it so much that he pulls Robert over too.

“I can’t believe I married you twice, you’re ‘orrible.”

“Horribly perfect? I know.”

“Oh God. I ain’t putting up with that all Christmas.”

“Just shut up and give us a kiss.” Robert grabs the top of the tree and shoves it up so that it swings and hits up against the wall, the bottom slanting and almost coming out the other side of the pot, but he doesn’t care about that. He has a husband to kiss.

They both stand back up and Robert looks up at the ceiling, “We should put mistletoe up by the tree.”

“Why?”

“It’s nice.”

Aaron doesn’t believe him.

“You proposed to me under some mistletoe.”

“I proposed to you in bed after you brought me breakfast.”

_Yeah, he did._

“Is this—is this about your coma last Christmas?” Aaron looks concerned, but Robert smiles it off.

“It was nice. You knelt and everything was twinkly.”

“I sound like a right berk.”

“You were perfect.” Robert tucks his hands inside the back pockets of Aaron’s jeans and pulls him in close. “You’re always perfect.”

Aaron is still a bit put out, so it takes him a second to respond to Robert’s lips on his, but he can never stay mad for long as he cups Robert’s jaw and pulls him down to a more comfortable level. It ends with two very comfortable pecks on Robert’s lips as Aaron taps his fingers against Robert’s cheek.

“Fine, so I’ll keep ya.”

“When are Liv and Gerry getting home? This tree isn’t going to decorate itself.”

“You’ll be lucky if you can get it up.” Aaron tries not to laugh but his nose wrinkles anyway

Robert rolls his eyes, “Har har, funny.”

They stop messing about long enough to get the tree into the stand and make sure it has enough soil and water, they went all out this year and cut down a real tree at a local place that they picked out in July.

“Is it a bit lopsided?” Aaron asks as he tilts his head. Robert can’t see it, he’s been in the kitchen pouring them both a drink. He hands Aaron his glass as he hooks his chin over Aaron's shoulder, one arm around his waist.

“Are you happy?” Robert asks as he noses the soft skin of Aaron’s neck.

“’course I am.” Aaron rubs Robert’s arm before lacing their fingers together, “Are _you_ happy?”

“ _Ecstatic_.”

Aaron tuts the way he does when things get overly sentimental and it isn’t him being the one to initiate it. He slowly starts to unravel himself from Robert’s grasp, but Robert doesn’t let go of his hand though, tugging on it so he looks up at him, “Not a lot we can do till they get back.”

His eyebrow is raised, his smile cheeky, and Aaron definitely gets it. “Definitely not.”

That smile widens as he takes the lead, both of them putting down their glasses, and he takes Aaron upstairs.

They manage to be dressed by the time Liv and Gerry get home, but they are still pretty dishevelled and they get a right telling off for it.

“It’s _Christmas_.” Liv scolds them. The ‘I don’t want to know about your sex life’ is clearly unspoken.

“Yeah well, presents come in all shapes and sizes.” Robert doesn’t even stay for the fall out of that one, making a break for the kitchen before even Aaron shoves him off the settee they’re sharing.

He notices out on the side is one lone tree ornament, the rest already ready to go on the tree. It’s a candle, long and thin, like one of those ones that Victorians might have used. One just like Scrooge has in every single one of those Christmas Carol movies that Gerry makes them watch. He doesn’t pick it up, just leaves it where it is, he doesn’t need it anymore. He’s learned everything he needs to know.

**Author's Note:**

> So true story: when Haley asked me to sub in, she offered me a list of prompts like, go nuts and there it was: Aaron proposing on Christmas Eve. This. This was the prompt for me. Well, back in November when I started this that wasn't gonna happen and it's even less true now! But I was committed. I was going to, canonically, have Aaron Dingle propose to Robert Sugden on Christmas Eve 2017. Oh yes. So this, this entire story of extraness is my way of justifying that one scene. I'm a mess, you're welcome. :D Merry Christmas, y'all!


End file.
